People At Festivals (remixed and awesome)

Aside from hanging out with your existing friends, the new people you meet at festivals and shows are one of the best things about the scene. Below are two different takes on people you will meet in the scene. The first is from our friends at Festival Survival Guide and is about, I'd say, categories you could put all your camp buddies in; the second is about Coachella people but it could really apply to the music scene in general and, what I'd say, is categories oeople outside the scene might group people inside the scene in to. Really interesting and short and sweet. Read below...

"The Five People You'll Meet at a Festival"
(May 2012, "Kathy Jo Camp")
So many people have written jerky jokes about all the annoying people in our scene, but what about all the amazing people you meet at a festival? Here are the five best people you need on your crew. You may have all five of these people at your campsite, but if you don’t, it’s a good excuse to make some new friends!

5. The “Hold it down-er”: This is the guy who always seems to be at the campsite. Day and night, he can always be found, holding down the fort. He serves as a landmark to those passing by. He knows where to find anything you’re looking for. He knows the names and home states of all the camping neighbors. He is always available with stories of all the shows he’s been to that year, and knows all the bands coming to your city. He may not have actually witnessed any music, but he was there! Is he going to the show later? Maybe…stop by his chair and we’ll see.

4. The “McGuyver”: This person is ultra handy to have around the campsite. They can fix virtually anything within seconds using only their wits and some duct tape. Oops, we forgot or tent poles! Don’t worry, I’ll just fashion a tent out of this rope and leftover beer cans…

3. The “Mom”: This is the guy or gal who always makes sure everyone is taken care of. They always have a full water bottle, some snacks, and sunblock at the ready. They have the stage schedule highlighted with the sets everyone wants to see, and their cell phone is always charged. Stick with them, and you’ll never end up sleeping on top of someone’s car with no pants…

2. The “Super-Hippie”: This is your resident green guy, the one who always packs the biodegradable camping soap and different colored bags for recyclable materials. They will bring the best vegan pasta salad and hummus wraps. If you need some bubbles or fairy dust, they got ya covered. Can I borrow some bug spray? Sure, it’s organic!

1. The “Party-Starter”: What time is it? Party time! Sun up to sun down, this is the friend who is bringing the energy and excitement. First thing in the morning, don’t worry about that hangover. They have already prepared a pitcher of mimosas and a Bloody Mary bar, and are now gathering the neighbors for a Bocce Ball tournament. You will always find them dancing at the show and bringing back beers after every bathroom break. Thank you Party-Starter for keeping it fun!

Which one are you? Whether you’re crazy, lazy, or super prepared, thank you for making the music festival experience a thing of beauty!

"7 Types of People at Coachella"
(April 2012, Dashiell Driscoll)
Please don't bring your baby to Coachella.

Hopeless Drug Addicts

The majority of Coachella attendees fall under this category. They know their lineup before any artists are announced. For these people, Coachella is less about seeing music with your friends and more about turning off your cell phone and peaking on mushrooms in the security line. Music festival my ass, Coachella is a drug festival with some noises in the background. Before anyone tries to say music is a drug, please save that argument. It’s not technically a drug unless you can buy it by the gram. Just ask alcohol.

 

Bro's

Bro’s at Coachella are the worst. They spend the festival shirtless so as to expose their sweet muscles and poorly thought out tattoos. They pound $7 Heinekens all day then take drugs they bought in the parking lot and head to the Sahara tent. Once inside, they will try to fuck anything without a dick and fight anyone that threatens their space. It’s all a very bizarre and predictable mating ritual. If aliens have a channel like Animal Planet that’s all about humans, they probably have several documentaries on the subject of bro’s at music festivals.

Industry Assholes

Wander into the VIP area and you will find industry assholes in abundance at Coachella. It’s pretty considerate of Paul Tollett (big shoutout to Paul Tollett for no Justice/Snoop & Dre conflict) to put all of these losers behind a fence. These people usually don’t pay for their tickets, which is fair considering they don’t see any bands all weekend. They show up at night after attending pool parties all day then hang out in their little zone waiting for an intern to recognize them. It would be funny if it wasn’t so sad.

Dirty Hippies

And you will know them by the trail of their dreads. Camping at Coachella sucks because it’s dirty and gross, but these filthy hippies don’t mind. The nicest part of the campgrounds is actually the showers. That’s because so few people bother using them over the course of 3 days and 4 nights. These creatures are generally harmless, they just raise some big questions: where do they go for the rest of the year? How do they pay for these tickets and sandals? Still waiting for the episode of Ancient Aliens that explains this.

Kids on Ecstasy

If your child leaves the house on Friday morning, Indio bound with nothing but a neon bathing suit and some glow sticks, tell them they’re grounded forever. Every year I see groups of unsupervised children that make Hunter S. Thompson look like the patron saint of moderation. Take it easy on your brains, future leaders of America! Your teenage years will rob you of your serotonin and fill you with sexual urges whether you want them to or not. You don’t need pills for that yet.

 

 

People With Babies

I have seen the most lackluster minds of my generation multiply then bring their progeny to Coachella. What the fuck is wrong with these people? Leave your baby at home. Maybe leave the part of your life where you went to Coachella in your past. Just don’t stroll your baby into the beer garden and be surprised when I look at you like you’re everything that’s wrong with the world.

 

 

Music Lovers

Rumor has it that a long time ago people went to Coachella for music. Legend says that some of this endangered species still wanders the polo fields every April. I don’t know. I'm not sure I buy it. The sentence, "I only go to Coachella for the music," makes me think of the words, "I only read Playboy for the articles," because they're both things that nobody has ever said. If you really do attend Coachella just for the music, more power to you. And more drugs for everyone else

(Festival Survival Guide, http://festivalsurvivalguide.com/the-five-people-youll-meet-at-a-festival)
(Funny or Die, http://www.funnyordie.com/lists/164f45b13b/7-types-of-people-at-coachella)